¹²Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. ¹³Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. ¹⁴And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

-Colossians 3:12-14

This dispatch from discipleship land will probably make you uncomfortable.  You probably already know what this is about from the verse I just posted above, and a part of you is twisting, running through the list of people who you’ve got a grudge against or a problem with.  Some of you may not even have a list anymore, you’re just angry all the time and you don’t trust people.  Or perhaps I’m mistaken.  Perhaps you’re the kind of person who read in your Bible that you should forgive people and you’re trying really hard to do it, and you’ve been blessed by our Lord and your efforts have found some success.

Either way, if you are a believer in Jesus Christ, forgiveness is what is asked (even required) of you.  It’s non-negotiable.

So, let’s begin with tangling with the obvious.  Before we deal with your need to forgive others, let’s talk about everything you’ve ever done.  If you’re the visual type, I suggest you get a piece of paper, and you write down every sin you’ve ever committed, according to the biblical definitions.  (Remember, the etymology for the word used in the New Testament to describe sin comes from an archery term for missing the target–we’re talking about ALL the times you didn’t do what you should’ve.)  Despite what you may think, and despite the fact Christianity is often accused of making people feel guilty, the fact that you don’t have a clean sheet shouldn’t surprise you.  If you’re a normal person, as you started writing down your list, you went for your big “screw-ups.”  This is normal.  But it’s also likely that as you kept writing, you realized that you made mistakes today, likely in the last couple of hours–and these are just the sins you’re aware of.

So, right now, you’re probably asking yourself why I’m doing this to you.   I have one motivation:  to remind you that you’re not infallible.  You screw up.  Join the club…everyone does.  You have to know that the Bible never teaches that people are sinless.  The Bible is honest about humanity, and the honest truth is that everyone makes mistakes.  (Romans 3:21-26)

This next part I want to handle in a form called a syllogism.  A syllogism is a fancy way of laying out a deductive argument–where the first two statements prove the third.  So for example…

1. All people are sinners.
2. I am a person.
3. Therefore, I am a sinner.

See how that works?  The first two statements, if true, must lead to the third statement.  I’ve just logically and deductively proved everything in the previous 500 words.  Let’s move on to the next one, which is just as obvious.

1. All people are sinners.
2. We are surrounded by other people.
3. Therefore, we are surrounded by sinners.

In other words, every person you encounter, if the first premise is true, is a sinner.  So why prove that?  Seems obvious enough, right?  Here’s the question that my words tonight turn on:

If we really believe that everyone we encounter is a sinner, whether saved or not, how should we expect them to act towards us and others?

The only logical answer to that question is that we should expect people to sin against us, just as we should expect ourselves, at some future point, to sin.  That is not to say that we should accept this reality and give up struggling against it, but the reality is that sinners sin.  Hurt people hurt people.  And, if you live long enough, people will hurt you.  You will hurt others.  It’s a given of human existence.

Most of us don’t need any logical proofs of the truth of my previous statements–the hard reality is one we have learned as the product of hurtful experience.  If you live, you will learn this lesson the hard way–likely from both sides.

But it doesn’t have to keep hurting you, and you don’t have to wallow in the wounds of your past–not the wounds you  have taken, nor the guilt from the ones you’ve issued.  The cure?  Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a refusal on the part of the wounded party in a sinful interaction to hold another sinner responsible for their sin.  It is the gift of a self-aware sinner, saved themselves from their sins by a gracious and merciful God, to another sinner, who may or may not be aware of their sin.  To clear up some misconceptions, here’s a few things it is most decidedly NOT:

• Forgiveness is not forgetting. While forgiving people often do not have reasons to remember things they have forgiven others, just forgetting something happened is not, and will never be, an acceptable substitute for forgiveness.
• Forgiveness is not justifying what someone else has done. You don’t have to make excuses for someone who sins against you in order to forgive them.
• Forgiveness is not understanding why someone else has sinned against you. You don’t have to have any understanding of why the other person has done what they have done in order to forgive.  Sometimes, such information can make it easier to forgive, other times it will make it harder.
• Forgiveness is not pretending that it didn’t negatively affect you. Lying to yourself or others and saying it doesn’t hurt is nothing like forgiveness, it’s just prideful dishonesty.  Don’t believe the hype.
• Forgiveness is not ignoring what someone has done. Pretending that the sinful act never happened is not forgiveness, it’s delusion.
• Forgiveness is not holding their actions against them until they make it right by you. You don’t get to make people who sin against you do penance until they demonstrate enough contrition or do enough to pay you back.  That’s not forgiveness.  It’s extortion.
• Forgiveness is not wallowing in how badly someone else has hurt you. Likewise, if you’re going to forgive someone, you don’t get to wallow in self-pity because someone hurt you.

There’s lots of advice in the world about forgiveness that is totally worthless.   It either misjudges the reality that when people hurt us, we hurt, or it misjudges the reality that people are sinners and will frequently take the easy way out.  Forgiveness is acknowledging a hurt, processing it, and then immediately disposing of the anger, frustration and avarice that accompany our hurts in favor of giving someone something they do not deserve:  to be let off the hook.   Forgiveness, REAL forgiveness, is looking into the eyes of someone who has hurt you, fully grasping the depth and breadth of the damage that was done, and deciding not to make any claim on that person at any later point for their transgression.  In order to forgive in this way, you have to let things that hurt you hurt you.  You have to stop trying to protect yourself from the blow after it has been delivered and let it hurt, and then tend it with regular care.  You have to understand what has happened to you, accept it, and then let the guilty party go free.  You have to stare your anger, frustration and desire for revenge full in the face, and then willingly put it down and refuse to take it back up.

The reasons why you should forgive are compelling.  The first and most obvious reason is because Jesus commands it.  Over and over again (including this highly disturbing passage from Matthew 18), Jesus teaches his followers that forgiveness is the first and greatest value of the kingdom.  Even more, Jesus teaches that measure of forgiveness we use with others is the same one that God will use with us.  In the Lord’s Prayer, Jesus teaches his disciples to pray that God would forgive them as they forgive their debtors.  Ouch.  Many people pray that prayer from memory, oblivious to the fact that they are asking God not to forgive them, because they don’t forgive others.

These two reasons should be enough to convince you that forgiveness is the right thing to do.  But just in case they aren’t, let me give you a few more.

1.  Forgiveness is an act of faith that demonstrates you believe that God is gracious and merciful. If you received Jesus as your Lord and as your Savior, you are the recipient of an enormous gift–freedom from the cosmic scale of good and bad (where the ledger of your life is the basis by which you will be judged).  As a believer in that extremely good news, it is your responsibility to put your faith into action by paying it forward.  Forgiveness in an unforgiving world may be one of the most arresting acts left to us to demonstrate we believe in God.  It’s a powerful evangelistic tool as well.

2.  Forgiveness frees the one who gives it as much or more than the one who receives it. There is nothing more tragic than someone who refuses to forgive because they think they are getting revenge on the person who hurt them by withholding forgiveness.  Inevitably, they hurt themselves more than the person they are withholding from, and ultimately, if they continue on that way, the bitterness will turn on them and they will become consumed by their own selfishness while the offending party goes on with their life, often completely oblivious or nonplussed by the other persons refusal to forgive.   Bitter people don’t get less bitter as they age.  There is a pithy saying that unforgiveness is like eating the poison and then wondering why the rat won’t die.  If there are truer words, I have no idea what they would be.   When we forgive, we let ourselves out of prison to continue our lives.  We release ourselves from a ball and chain that would bind us and slow us down in favor of walking in freedom.

3.  Forgiving people have more friends and better relationships. If you think you’re going to make lots of friends by holding grudges, you’re crazy.  Unforgiving people spill out malice and anger without thinking, and they only kind of people they attract are those as venomous as they are.  People with that much anger, when left to themselves, will inevitably fight amongst themselves as well, and end up refusing to forgive one another.  In other words, unforgiveness is the fast track to loneliness (or, perhaps more appropriately, a self-involvement so potent that there is no room for other people).  You want to live a long and happy life?  Forgive people.  When others know that you will forgive them for being human and that you know you are too, there is room for a healthy friendship to grow.  Without that mutual offering of grace, friendships wither.

Are you hiking with a ball and chain, all the while holding the key that would set you free?  Right now, I urge you to consult your conscience for your list of grudges and unforgiven people and begin to forgive them.  To begin with, you will probably just have to make a decision.  It won’t feel any different, but you will begin to train your mind and your emotions to not attach the person’s actions against them.  Don’t be discouraged if you don’t feel relief immediately–just as some scars take time to heal, so also will forgiveness of deep hurts.  Keep at it.   In case of life, unlock yourself from a burden of unforgiveness and walk in freedom.  Your life will improve drastically when you do.